Its a way of life that helps those of the undeserving, bright people always shining and spreading their rays to others though I know how false that is for I have experience its scarring burns. In a way you learn to live with such situations and people, I personally block those guys out and they are left wondering why did I leave? Look in the mirror first and tell me if that does not answer your question. Shining people leave me speechless and worthless, I hope that it’s worth sacrificing one for the group to keep your “world’s peace” make everything in order. Step into my shoes and tell me that this battle is easy? Tell me how many times I’ve wanted to leave, How many hours constantly thinking of ways to avoid your group, How I have never wanted to have met such outstanding and beautiful people…I belong to the cast offs not to the light, that’s only for you and your followers of light.
Trust…is something people deal with everyday. How much? Who? and When?, etc. It’s a part of life, but do you know that there are people out there who started of as someone who invites the company of trust, but then ended up on the short end of the stick. When you put someone in your life it’s a risk on how much they’ll affect you…some in a good way, some in a bad, but either way you’re playing a dangerous game. Take for example a friend or a loved one. You start of generally in a good footing but then as time goes by, situation upon situation, you’ll really get to see how much trust is in there. I salute those with a perfect everything or at least have good footing with everyone. I think of it as more of a skill than anything I mean I wish there was a class on it : )). People like me are not the type that “ages well” as time goes by unlike wine. I hurt a lot of people, people feel betrayed by me and eventually I’ll come off as unapproachable to my peers and even volatile. You know what? Maybe some people like it and sure as heck I like being alone from time to time since I don’t have to deal with people that have undeniably showed me what people are capable of and put on my skill of acting like everything’s fine with my big ol’ smille. Though given that people are social beings you can’t help but feel lonely at times and I hate that part of me. It’d be nice if you can just get rid of that pestering feeling like you would a tumor….oh right, you can’t get rid of that too =.=. Well the root of my trust issues comes from one of my close friend who left me a year ago, and became super close to the girl I like (note: He was the first person I told that I like her)…well I guess its my fault, and my speculation, but if you were in my position you’ll know what I mean. This is why I did what I have to do and confronted him. He pretty much made me feel bad about myself and made me the bad guy which is logical in the situation, but for the smart guy that he is….I hope it was worth it to him. Im just trying my best to not interfere with them anymore for I think it’s the best and most logical solution there is. None of them get hurts and she seems happy too and that’s enough for me :) I’ll just do my best to have or rather believe someone out there will be worth trusting again. As for this little tale of mischief and human behavior I learned to be careful on who you are dealing with and don’t fully give yourself to others as you do not know what kind of scarring impact they will leave unto you. I guess this is my answer to the question “Who fucked you up so bad that, emotionally and mentally that you’ve completely shut down anyone who tries to help you. You don’t talk about your feelings, you push kind people away, and you let negative people in. You refuse to open up and let someone love and care about you. Who fucking did that to you?”
This is probably one of those post where I may or may not sound cynical to say the least, so I apologize in advanced. As an uprising 3rd year college student there are many behavioral traits that I have observed from my peers. First of all, those who are “loud” gets the center of attention and has no problem making everyone listen to him/her. Second, those who are “reserved” or people with the traits of a wallflower will have a harder time to cope with situations. Last, the propaganda of people finding their own clique in college is so farce and undeniably untrue. While most have no problem getting along with everyone some people, like myself, it is the biggest challenge I have had to deal with and don’t get me wrong I tried many times and seek advises from various people both on and off campus, but none have worked. If it wasn’t for my one “true” friend (which means that at least the person has the patience to put up with my constant banter and hangs out with me) I don’t think I could have survived this long. The thing with quiet people is that it may seem that they have nothing to say, but as a matter of fact it’s the total opposite, they have a tons of ideas and suggestions that is just waiting to be heard, but the problem is…who to share it with? The group of 6 people you hardly know? maybe. The group of 4 who seem inseparable? maybe also. Such a thing is what thrives in my head more things that seem trivial to some, but the hardest thing to deal with for people like me. There is a way though on how to escape this maddening silence, like a fish born to breathe the oxygen in the ocean, we, the ones who went quiet, have an innate talent to seek out those with the same traits or problems as us. They’re actually pretty cool once you get to know them and their beautiful stories on how they came to be (if you can make it that far with them). You see…these people didn’t choose this life or well not directly, but instead they were molded by it through years and years of situations wherein they were mistreated and felt like a sack of hay about to be thrown into a horse pen. This is probably what interests me the most in people and this is ultimately how I judge a person’s character. College is like…well if I were to say it in layman’s terms its like a game filled with choices of either doing this or that, or people expecting you to do something, instead of making your own decisions…and one wrong move you’re out of it and it’s going to be a tough way to climb back up. The choices you make is sometimes interpreted in an unpleasing way which they think that you deliberately did this to do bad to him/her and that’s not the case. He/She chose it because its want he/she wants to do, as long as it doesn’t break any morals then it should be fine right? Well not exactly. Sometimes I don’t get my species….most rational, but sometimes we act as if we aren’t human at all. I have so many things in my mind that I’m still trying to put into a writing form but I’m having a hard time doing so, writing whats on my mind is not one of my traits sadly =.=
LIFE HACK IF SOMEONE IS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING TRY TO BE EXCITED FOR THEM OR AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE AT LEAST SLIGHTLY INTERESTED BECAUSE NOTHING FEELS WORSE THAN EXPRESSING SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY ONLY TO HAVE PEOPLE TELL YOU TO CALM DOWN OR IGNORE YOU COMPLETELY
Praise the internet and all it’s magnificent glory. Without sites such as this I would have never been able to express myself in a way that I can be as brutally honest as I am with myself as possible and no, using a journal is not an option because of the fact that I think that they are just too girly. I wonder how my life would’ve turned out if my soul wasn’t the one living in my body right now. Would I be popular? Would I have many friends? or would I still be the same lad? A food for thought.
To finish off that sentence I really don’t mind having a feature like that because it is the only escape I can think of. This body, my body has so much hurt and scarring memories that I want to forget. I want to forget people, events, places and faces. Days like these amnesia is a blessing in disguise and in that way at least when I wake up from my hospital bed I get to see the old faces as new again. I’ll get to see whose really is out there that cares for me. I guess you could say I want the feeling of being loved and cared by someone else. Now people might confuse this with the romantic love that we all know so well, but NO that is not the kind of love I’m referring to. I’m referring to the kind of love like that of a mother and a child, caring, sincere and sweet. I’ve always wanted someone to be my mom for short. My real mom is always out and now that I have grown up, she’s not really concerned for me anymore. That erase button is really a tempting option and I’m sure if I was given the chance to I would take it in a heart beat, no questions asked. I wanna forget, I wanna start a clean slate, I want to be independent and I want to feel loved. It’s really hard making it in this world.
it’s really complicated and yet it’s easy. Im not very good at controlling myself when it comes to situations. I get easily bothered, jealous, or whatever, the fact of the matter is I am not a good person that everyone believes me to be. Im just good at acting and holding all these inner demons at bay. Im not good at making friends because of the way Im very hard to talk to, I know that my silence kills you, but yours even more so. I love to meet people but the excitement dies down once I realize that most people have no interest in talking to someone like me. I have friends yes, but not all of them even talk to me. I don’t see the point in socializing with people like them in a place like college, and then again I am the problem. I am my worst enemy. Sometimes I wonder what’s all this for. What’s all this breathing, suffering, day by day endurance that I always experience. I don’t find enough reason to continue living except for the fact that having a glimpse of hope that the future will be better. So far, no luck. I don’t mind being alone, so I won’t get hurt. I don’t mind not talking, so I won’t get hurt. I don’t mind being hated, so I won’t get hurt. I think it is best for me to go to a place with total isolation. No one else there, but other people are like nicotine, highly addictive. Don’t blame me I love all of them with all my heart and joy, but I know that at least more than 3/4 of my friends now will never contact me again after Im through with school and to be honest, I don’t mind. I got used to it. I feel like shutting myself in is one of the best sure way of surviving this mess. Especially on my section in my school. Im having problems concentrating, reviewing and getting the lesson. I don’t think I can stay very long and the faster I get out the better. Heck, why should I care if nobody misses me there anyway. For now though, I am a survivor, the last of my kind (just joking), barely making it a day without feeling hurt and lost. I know that people like me would’ve turned into alcohol or drugs right now or like I said complete and total isolation (lucky them). I hope I can transfer and change myself and I know that at some point I will, but for now Im this wimpy, geeky kid that occasionally says his “hello’s” and “goodbye’s” but I’m wondering if someday I really will say “goodbye” for the last time. My clock’s ticking and I don’t know when the alarm will go off. I probably just need anime and games to clear my head from all this depressing realizations about my crappy life. Someday I wish to have meet that someone who understands me and tries to help me. The truth is I’m like a scared boy that got lost in the train station