it’s really complicated and yet it’s easy. Im not very good at controlling myself when it comes to situations. I get easily bothered, jealous, or whatever, the fact of the matter is I am not a good person that everyone believes me to be. Im just good at acting and holding all these inner demons at bay. Im not good at making friends because of the way Im very hard to talk to, I know that my silence kills you, but yours even more so. I love to meet people but the excitement dies down once I realize that most people have no interest in talking to someone like me. I have friends yes, but not all of them even talk to me. I don’t see the point in socializing with people like them in a place like college, and then again I am the problem. I am my worst enemy. Sometimes I wonder what’s all this for. What’s all this breathing, suffering, day by day endurance that I always experience. I don’t find enough reason to continue living except for the fact that having a glimpse of hope that the future will be better. So far, no luck. I don’t mind being alone, so I won’t get hurt. I don’t mind not talking, so I won’t get hurt. I don’t mind being hated, so I won’t get hurt. I think it is best for me to go to a place with total isolation. No one else there, but other people are like nicotine, highly addictive. Don’t blame me I love all of them with all my heart and joy, but I know that at least more than 3/4 of my friends now will never contact me again after Im through with school and to be honest, I don’t mind. I got used to it. I feel like shutting myself in is one of the best sure way of surviving this mess. Especially on my section in my school. Im having problems concentrating, reviewing and getting the lesson. I don’t think I can stay very long and the faster I get out the better. Heck, why should I care if nobody misses me there anyway. For now though, I am a survivor, the last of my kind (just joking), barely making it a day without feeling hurt and lost. I know that people like me would’ve turned into alcohol or drugs right now or like I said complete and total isolation (lucky them). I hope I can transfer and change myself and I know that at some point I will, but for now Im this wimpy, geeky kid that occasionally says his “hello’s” and “goodbye’s” but I’m wondering if someday I really will say “goodbye” for the last time. My clock’s ticking and I don’t know when the alarm will go off. I probably just need anime and games to clear my head from all this depressing realizations about my crappy life. Someday I wish to have meet that someone who understands me and tries to help me. The truth is I’m like a scared boy that got lost in the train station
I appreciate silence in a world that never stops talking.”
I remembered that it hurt.
Looking at her hurt
Stuck in Love(2012)
I realized that people are just like books. The more you read, the more you’ll know and some get judged by their cover. Some get ignored and some get all the praise.”
Another one of those days huh? People are starving and our soldiers our dying and Im here to complain about my life again. My super, not so interesting, not so important and boring life. Talk about the things why Im like this and why Im not like this. Anyways, moving on. I recently found out that im an evil person I have thoughts and desires that could harm my friends and myself. Maybe if I was in Star Wars Master Yoda would say “The Force is Strong with this one”. Okay deviating from the main story again Adam -.-, so i have these thoughts right? , but luckily I don’t act on them. Im so glad that my conscience is strong enough to push it all away, but its getting harder and harder probably because of pain. In my many years of my life here I’ve been through and in pain many many MANY times. From rejections, from friends and from society. Each time I don’t feel like Im welcome or each time they say that “Awwwww thanks” a little bit inside of me keeps that pain, so over time it accumulates and now that Im in college I realized that it’s getting harder. Especially when there is this girl who picked tea over me. She’ll probably never realized how much she made me feel, but Im also thankful for her. Just like in The Fault in Our Stars “It would be a pleasure to get my heart broken by you.” She was like my inspiration and something I look forwarded to every single day till that. I guess she was what could keep me sane for the most part. I guess its like this each time, this is probably why I retreated into the world of games and anime back in High School because it keeps me occupied and keeps me going so that I may accomplish that goal. Im having doubts and im starting to not believe in love, because its never shown its face to me. This in turn is what made me who I am today, this is how I became quiet, this is how i developed my social anxiety, this is why I don’t want to let anyone else in my life, this why I dont want to excell, and this is why I accept failures because it’s been with me my whole life. I learned from them, I learned how much Im worth in this world which wasn’t much you can call me dramatic or whatever, but this is really how I feel. There hasn’t really been anyone else to prove me otherwise. You add that, plus I barely have any true friends who really try to listen to me anymore (its probably my fault too for not talking or trying to make new friends but like I said I dont see the point anymore) and you got yourself a recipe for disaster. Sometimes I wish I could run from it all and start somewhere else where no one knows me or become someone who isn’t me, anyone but me. Someday I hope I can look back at this and see how much I’ve changed because I really do want to see that change, but myself can’t agree with what I want. Im thankful for all the people in my life right now and im not at the same time (see what I mean? myself doesnt know what it likes anymore). You guys have made me what I am today whether I like to or not, Yes I feel pain too even if I am good at acting and yes I too also have a breaking point, but yeah. Im sure i’ll edit this someday :)) Peace out